Why Buy the Cow, When You Can Get the Milk for Free?
This title, in my mind, has a much different connotation than it did when I was growing up. I think pre-marital sex is kind of a given. I know I did it and never really thought twice about it. I wasn’t promiscuous, but if I was in a serious relationship, it was just what came next. So to me, this saying is more along the lines of ‘if you’re a woman, and you want your man to marry you, don’t live with him unless the wedding date is set, invitations are out, dress bought, and band secured.’ I know some will disagree with me, this is a sweeping generalization, but I believe for many it is true, so if you’re a woman who really wants to be married, this should stick in the back of your mind.
We’ve had some pretty good discussion on picking good mates etc on my yesterday’s post. Today I happened to see Mitch the Jerkface, my neighbor who is BTW, looking very saintly compared to the MUNCHKINS, and I looked at my husband and said, “Both those cars are his? Why didn’t the whore take hers when she left?” His reply was, “she sold her car and all her other possessions when she moved in with him because he said he would take care of all that.” Wha?
**Sidenote: if you are new to this blog, you can get background information on why I call her the whore HERE and what I think of Mitch the jerkface HERE. I use the word whore clearly in the pejorative sense and not that she was really a whore. Just a nasty thing to say. **
So let me make this clear to all, from the mouth of my husband, who has a soft spot for women and is compassionate to their problems. The whore told him all before she moved out. Mitch the jerkface, when they started dating, wanted her to move in. He promised to take care of her, they ‘got engaged’ and she had the ring, she was to sell all her stuff and he would supply her with roof, car, food, everything. They would get married and have the baby she wanted. Meanwhile he had two kids from a previous marriage and she took care of them, sold ALL her stuff, her townhouse, her car, her furniture, everything. I have no clue what happened to the money. Maybe she frittered it away in the THREE years none of this happened, still fully expecting it would. So I ask you, why would he WANT to marry her? She was already living with him and taking care of his kids. He evidently didn’t really want anymore kids. Hell, she was looking after his! So she got her realtor license and moved out, the whole time remembering her father saying as she moved in with this clod, “I raised you better than this. I raised you to be independent. What are you doing?” Now she’s three years older, bitter, no baby, no boyfriend, no nothing.
I do NOT have issues with people living together. I only have a problem with it if there are children involved, and then suck it up and get the license. It is the right thing, it is the adult thing to do. We set examples for our children and they need stability. I have told people before, if something were to happen to my better half, I would not remarry. Nor would I date. But in the event that something did happen and I happened to find some saintly man willing to take me on, boatloads of baggage, three boys and all, then I would marry him… because I have children. I would not cohabitate.
Wow. Where am I going with this ramble. So in all my years of watching, I have noticed that some people are just true commitment phobes. They are afraid of the legality of the paper. So I just strongly believe that if woman is dating a man and wants to marry him, than she should not move in with him first… that is not the next step. There is just no reason for him to want to get married when you’re already acting like it. My opinion.
posted by Bou | 8:54 PM
7 Comments:
I KNOW that Sally will comment on this (and the post above, hence my lack of comment) but... I have to disagree on this. Many years ago when I went to the US to work I lived with a girl out there. I am fairly sure that neither of us had any intention of getting married but it was the right place for us to be AT THAT TIME.
However, the situation with Sally and I was different. It was much more like an old fashioned courtship (we talked, we met, we spent time together but we didn't live together for a long time) and trust me, with the work we were both doing and the distance thing this was such a huge commitment of time for both of us that the fact we did this showed how serious we were and depth of feeling.
It is difficult to apply what you would do to someone else. There are usually things going on in the background you cannot be aware of and you will never know the full story because the parties involved give a biased opinion ("So and so was a right bi**h because..."). I understand where you are coming from with the thing about kids but again it is dependent on circumstances - what if some lady with three kids was taken in by a man who was willing to take on all the responsibilities? Taking on three kids that you are not the mom/dad to is a huge thing and surely show some kind of seriousness?
Alex (tired from typing)
I really am talking about those cases where women really want to be married. All other cases need not apply.
I don't know how it is in other countries, but here in America, girls still have this 'find my prince and have a cinderella wedding.' So if a woman sets her sights on a man to marry after dating awhile and he says, "Wait a minute, lets move in", then she needs to give some serious thought to what is next.
Now there are exceptions. My bros best friend from college, a man I still adore, was living with a girl with the agreement that should either of them ever want to be married, they would do it. Sure enough, one day she said she wanted to get married, so they did. He's just an awesome guy. And she's a great gal, from what I understand.
I don't hold judgement on Mitch the jerkface or the whore. I was just making a point about her side, wanting to be married and it didn't happen. They're both so whacked, I'm sure there's enough blame for everyone.
And if anyone is reading this, we are referencing Alex's post also on the same topic, which can be found at http://www.20six.co.uk/AlexInWonderland/archive/2004/07/25/ufkm3fv3kd4s.htm
I do think people are hestitant to get divorced... more so than just moving out. There is still that stigma I was talking about in your comments.
OH Sally, I agree wtih your theme here! You cannot expect someone to complete you. I tell people all the time, "If you don't like who you are, why should someone else?" I was like you, living on my own, financially independent, had a great career and I met my better half. He doesn't complete me... but he adds a calming effect, he adds a dimension that was previously missing. I would be completely lost without him at this point. I think I am amazed still, that after being together for 16 years, but being married for 13, that I love him so much more this year than I did last year... and I am always surprised it's possible to love more.
You certainly didn't expect me NOT to comment on this did you?!? LOL
What the hell was she doing giving up everything in the first place. Even if I'm getting married - I'm hanging on to my independence. Oh yeah - burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice, what the hell was I thinking?!?!
My best friend is 42 yrs old and just got married for the first time. She ownes her own home, has a great job, and money invested. Even after the wedding, not much has changed. Yes, she's selling her house, but that money is being reinvested in HER account. She has named her husband her benificiary, but her investments are still in her name. She has her own account, he has his and they also have a joint that they both put a percentage of their incomes in. At first she thought about leaving her job and being a stay at home wife. I got that e-mail and called immediately. I told her it was a big decision. She's been independent for a long time now, was she SURE. I used my experience as my example of food for thought.
She's still working for a while, has just decided she'll retire earlier than anticipated, but not for another few years.
You can't just throw away yourSELF for another person. EVER. That person fell in love with the person you were when they met you-it's not fair to either one of you if you take that person away!
_Jon said ...
"... if something were to happen to my better half, I would not remarry. Nor would I date ..."
Ugh. Too tough a topic for me to address.
But I will say that My Love and I had our plans. Neither of us *needed* to get married, but we were going to do it quietly in about 1 month, 3 weeks, 2 days...
It's kinda funny how love can be so subtle in its existance, yet so searing in its absence.
Hey, there's a good quote for later use. :)
_Jon: I appreciate where you are coming from on this. I was nearly there with this years ago, but realised that all we would ever have been was good friends. So I was lucky in that I got a second chance - fat lot of good it did me until I met Sally. Hard for people to appreciate that and most never do. We all show our commitments in different ways and you are right - the ultimate show of commitment is to stay there when things are not going the right way.
Alex
_Jon, no that is a close issue for you and I hope I didn't sound flippant. That was seriously not intended. It is a blanket statement I use. I have a feeling I'll have to blog on some of this... rereading through the comments, I think I have made my life sound a bit too utopic, which it is far from.
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