Nothing is Certain But Change

This was to be the Post of the day. No multiples, just one long stream of consciousness. But then as I said previously, I ran into that article, so this is now Post #2. Still a stream of consciousness.

Son#3 goes to Kindergarten next week. This is the first time I’ll be a stay at home Mom without any young ‘uns at home. I’m not worried. I’m not sad. I’m not lost. They will have a ‘boohoo breakfast’ for all the kindergarten Moms on the first day and I won’t be boohooing. All these Moms cry when their kids go to preschool or kindergarten. Not me. It’s the next logical step to making them into independent contributors to society. Nothing sad about that to me.

I get asked a lot about what I will do next. It’s funny, but when I was in high school, that was such a stressful question. I wanted to scream at people, “Why is it at 17 I gotta have my whole life in order?! I don’t know!!!” As a senior in college, it was just scary, wondering if anyone would even want me. The prospect of working in my field… please, what did school really teach me? What was I capable of doing? Everyone kept telling me not to worry, that my company would teach me what they expected of me, but who wanted to take a chance on me? I got lucky. I found a great job making way more than I thought I would ever make. (Rude awakening when I realized that everyone in Palm Beach County seemed to drive a BMW or Mercedes. I know now why the pay scale was what it was.) And The Great Omnipotent One was correct, college taught me how to think the way I needed to for my chosen profession.

Now, however, it’s not scary. My husband makes a good living. He works damn hard at what he does, long hours, and he is stressed beyond belief sometimes, the life of someone who owns their own business and is exceedingly driven. Someone has to run this family and I don't have family in town to help. I do it all on my own. It is like a small business. Someone has to be here when a child is sick. Someone has to cook, do the laundry, pay the bills, clean the house, maintain the mechanics of the house, help with homework (and that is growing exponentially), run them to soccer, karate, boy scouts, volunteer at the school, make lunches, tend to hurt feelings and scraped knees. I know many woman who do this and work. Hell, I did this and worked for 4 years. It sucked. I was tired and always worried I wasn't either a good enough Mom or employee. (During military conflicts, it would not be uncommon for me to work 6:30AM-Noon, come home take care of my kids, then when my spouse came home at 6PM, I'd go back to work until midnight, driving home and starting it all over again the next day.) I loved the intellectual stimulation, but with three kids, it was just too much for me. I am not superwoman. Far from it.

I had intended to eventually volunteer one day a week at a place called Connor’s Nursery. It is a nursery for AIDS/HIV babies. For years I have said that when I was home full time and my kids were in school, I would go hold abandoned AIDS babies… all day… just hold them and love them. I love babies. I was an excellent infant/baby mother. The toddler/independent thought/free will phase unnerves me, but babies… they are wonderful. They smell nice, they snuggle close, and all they want is to be loved, fed, and clean. I can do that and I do that very well. However, I read this weekend that Connor’s Nursery is closing. And I’m not sad! They are closing because people adopt HIV babies now and there is medical intervention to help preclude babies from getting HIV from their mothers, such as prescreening all pregnant women and if they have it, a C-section lowers the chance of transmission. If a baby does get it, with the medications they have now, they can live to be teenagers. So now, Connor’s Nursery that used to house 12 abandoned and unloved babies, babies nobody wanted, now has one at the most. My services are not needed there.

I think about volunteering at Hospice. I can cope with death I think. I do it frequently. In the last 6 years I have lost a grandmother (an unexpected tragedy), another grandmother (a prayer answered in her death), my Mother in Law (a tragedy we are still dealing with), my 54 year old uncle, and numerous friends. I was in hospice in February to visit a dear friend in her final stages of cancer, and I think I may have what it takes to be that person that hugs the family as they sit vigil with their loved ones. I am still mulling that over.

For this year, I am still staying home and catching up, I guess. I’ll start quilting again. I have many quilting projects I want to finish by Christmas. I’ll try to get an hour of cardio in every day. I’m the treasurer for a couple organizations, I’m a director for another organization, I’ll probably be asked to take a chairmanship at a state level for another organization, and I’m chairing a nice event for the American Cancer Society this year. I will stay busy. And I think right now, I am the least stressed about my future, than I have ever been. For the first time ever, when there is a major change about to occur in my life, I am not afraid.