Wax On, Wax Off

I’m over the whole home waxing thing. When you live in Fl and you swim as much as we do, you have to wax or… well, I just won’t go there. Sure, you can pay someone to do it, but when you’re a Mom, when do you have time to make an appointment for THAT, especially during the summer time? Besides, it gets expensive, as you have to do it every couple weeks. And don’t believe that bunk that after you wax enough the hair doesn’t grow back. That’s BS. Haven’t seen it happen yet. The only time I didn’t have to shave my legs every day or every other day was when I was pregnant and for some reason the hair on my legs just quit growing. Who knows why? Must be a blood flow thing. (I shave my legs. Something about pulling wax off my legs doesn’t sit well with me.)

I have had more damn mishaps with that wax. Now I’m not going to go into waxing detail here… in particular, not bikini waxing detail because this isn’t a soft porn site. This is mainly about dealing with the wax in general and certain weird things that come up.

This eyebrow thing… I’m over it too. Who came up with this eyebrow plucking business? I have always hated it, so much so that my sister used to sing this stupid song to harass me. Remember the tune for Putt Putt golf? “putt putt for the fun of it… putt putt for the fun of it..” It became “pluck pluck for the fun of it.., pluck pluck for the fun of it.” It’s not that it’s painful. It’s not. It just makes me sneeze. Every time. And now it is psychosomatic as I bought this new fangled wax from Sally’s the other day and as I started to pay for it, I started to sneeze. (Waxing looks cleaner than plucking for you men not in the know.) And do I need to talk about how many types of frickin’ wax there are? Beeswax, wax kits with applicators, wax kits with muslin (to pull of the wax), wax where you don’t need muslin (just yank the hard wax off with your fingers!), face wax, body wax, European wax, wax that’s been doing eyebrows since 1929, wax you heat in the microwave, wax you heat on your stove, non-heatable wax you name it and it’s there. A shelf full. I promise.

I pick this face wax that is on sale. It’s got an applicator, which means I don’t have to buy a bunch of Popsicle sticks, and you heat it on the stove. You heat it on low. I am too impatient. I put it on too high. So now it’s bubbling. I grab it off the burner and it spills on my stove top. This isn’t like candle wax. They added crap to it, so it never gets that hard. You can’t just pull it off or scrape it off. I have this wax stuck there and there are only two ways I know how to get wax off: stick the wax stuck object in the freezer and I obviously can’t put my stove top in my freezer or heat it back up and try to wipe it off. I was just afraid that turning on the stove top would make a bigger mess, so I Googled it, which didn’t help much. Everything was about ear wax and candle wax. I did end up HERE, which was a fascinating governmental site called “Ask a Scientist.” Didn’t help that much as they were trying to get wax off a wall. (Based out of Illinois, BTW.) Anyway, I did turn on my stove and managed to wipe it all off with no residue. Thankfully. I didn’t want to have to explain THAT to my better half after what happened last time…

You would think I would learn to be more careful. One time while doing a bikini waxing, I heated it up in the kitchen and managed to get it in my bathroom without incident. Then somehow I end up spilling some of it on my bathroom tiled floor. Thank God for tile. What a bear to get up. I decided to try hot water. I figured I would melt it again and then mop it up. No. That spread the wax residue even further on the floor. Grrr.

So I’m over this whole waxing business. And it really doesn’t hurt, but the mess is more than I can handle at this point. I’m voting for the political candidate that is all for very hairy women. HUMPF! (I know, I know... living with such a spazz like me is a laugh a minute...)