It's Official... I'm a Moron

It was a horrible day on so many fronts, I considered not blogging. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. So I guess I’ll start by something that really pissed me off, but now I’m laughing about.

I failed the corporate communications part of our Compliance Training. There I said it. I cannot frickin’ believe it. My boss is horrified. I get another 2 chances. He told me it took him an hour to take it… and he took notes. It took me 30 minutes… and I fell asleep. It was web based. Bah. It was the end of the day and I just didn’t want to be there! GRRR. So when it got into all this legal jargon of what you can say and can not say and what you stamp on items and the wickets you have to go through so everyone understands what is proprietary as well as what you can put in e-mail vs. what you can’t and on and on and on… my eyes glazed over and I made a mental note, “Do not get yourself in a position where you have to deal with competitors or have to look for business.” Then I mentally checked out because it was all this legalize and I would make a horrible lawyer.

Of all the things I’ve wanted to do with my life… lawyer fits right there at the dead bottom. No kidding. No offense to the lawyers, but all that stuff bores me to tears. The words just drone on and on and mean nothing to me. Hand me a blueprint and I’m golden. Don’t hand me a legal document.

I remember my first Counsel meeting at our old job. The head of compliance, talking to us about granting government employees favors, stood up and said, “If you drive by and see USAF personnel on the side of the road, in a broken down car, in the pouring rain, and his leg is broken, do you stop to help?” Hunh. I got scared that somewhere along the way we were supposed to check our humanity at the door. Luckily, she was proving an extreme point that yes we should stop, but no, we don’t offer government employees a ride to work from the airport.

Anyway, back to today's idiocy, top it all off with the fact I was looking at everything as a puzzle, because… that is what I do… and the fact I didn’t take notes and was drifting in and out of sleep, I missed passing the test. Forget the fact I Aced the first test, this one I didn’t.

For instance, the questions were things like (I’m making some of this up, but it is similar in situation): Can anyone apply to the government to receive a copy of your government proprietary information? And I put yes BECAUSE anyone CAN apply for it… they just won’t be able to obtain it! GRR. The answer was no.

Then they had something about writing down some weird situation that occurred and how to write it out so it doesn’t inflame the situation and I opted for Option D which was “None of the Above” meaning… just don’t put it in writing.

And then anytime it gave the option of seeking advice of Legal Counsel, which sounds pretty frickin’ ominous… I put “yes”. I told my boss… if I’m in a situation where ANY warning bells are going off that I should seek Counsel… I’m gonna do it. Anyway, that was not always the case. I guess Counsel doesn’t want minions like me always at their door.

So I’m kinda pissed, even though I am to blame, because there is nobody more trustworthy than me that works for our company. I keep to myself, I am very loyal, I never gossip, I don’t talk about things that shouldn’t be talked about, I don’t send inflammatory e-mail, I’m loyal to the folks who contracted out to us, I’m loyal to my country… yet… I can’t seem to get right the definition of apply vs. receive… and when to get the lawyers involved…. Ugh.

I retake it tomorrow and will now take copious notes in the legal jargon and I’ll spend an hour and I’ll take my caffeine deficient body and hop it up with coffee so I’ll stay awake… because trust me… it is dry stuff. All legal stuff is dry…

Meanwhile, while feeling humiliated, stupid, and completely worthless, I called my sister who is a trainer, and she informed me that people fail these tests all the time. I think she was humoring me. Oh, and after I finish passing this test, I have to take the one on sexual harassment. I am so NOT looking forward to that one. I hate this crap.

And… the day only got worse.. ending in YET ANOTHER funeral I have to attend this week, the second one this week I might add. Not a good day. I suspect tomorrow will be better.