Feelin' Spiiiiicey!!!!

I had to go shopping yesterday. Y’all know how much I love that. LOVVVE IT. I have too many events to attend and it was finally time for me to do the inevitable. Blech. I was cursing my girlfriends, my Mom and my sister for not being in town to help me with this crap. I can’t pick anything out. I go to a little boutique where the women have excellent taste and they ACTUALLY help you. I had a new salesperson today and introduced myself as, “Mother of three boys, engineer, and fashion disaster.” That is how she refers to me now.

I had a fashion show to shop for and a cocktail party… the one that I am chairing for a philanthropy in town… the one that is very important that I look nice because I’m chairing it WITH my gorgeous husband, the invitation has my husband’s name written all over it, and it is also expected I will be arm candy... you know, the perfect corporate wife crap. (It pisses me off, but it is what it is.) So there has been some stress in my life… above and beyond the other junk.

Right out of the gate we get the fashion show outfit taken care of. That leaves me to deal with this cocktail party. She pulls this little number out and says, “What about this?” First thought in my head, that fortunately did NOT come out of my mouth was, “I don’t want to look like anyone’s bad acid trip.” Ugh. White outfit with weird multi-colored big dots over it and no shoulders or sleeves… kind of halter toppish. I tactfully said instead, “ooooh, it is nice, but that’s a bit bold for me.”

We have decided I’m wearing black pants (she picked some out that make me look very long and slim… LOVE THOSE!), and so we were on a ‘top’ hunt. She finds this pink little silky number… that looked like I should wear it with a pair of pink panties to sleep in. It had this little choker, bead thing goin’ on with it. I didn’t know what to say.

Finally I said, “Wow. I like the color. Umm. But what kind of bra do I wear with that?” It looked like a frickin’ camisole. There was no way I could go braless without it screaming, “Bright light! Bright light! Turn off the headlights!”

She was collected and replied, “Oh, we have those special boobies to wear.”

Special boobies? Heh. Always the inquisitive one I said, “REeeeeeallly? Can I see a pair?”

As I’m trying on various tops she comes in and brings me these two silicone breast shaped… things. I don’t know what in the hell to call them. They had sticky stuff in the inside and I was supposed to stick them on my breasts. On the center corner of each one was a little hook and latch gizmo so you could hook them together… you know… to create cleavage.

They were basically fake silicone breasts that you paste onto your real breasts. I had to touch them. I looked at her while poking them and said, “Hey, my mammogram radiologist has a pair of these in his office, but they have beads inserted in them so you can feel what a breast lump feels like.”

She looked at me like I had 3 heads. Then she said, “Would you like to try the boobies?”

I wanted to laugh and say, “Hell no!” but instead I said, “You know, I can’t. But thank you. If I wear those, with that pink little top… I’m going to spend all night worrying about a wardrobe malfunction.”

She laughed and put them away. Blech. I wonder how many breasts had been in her boobies. And how many wearings can one get out of these stick on boobies? Inquiring minds want to know…

She brought me this gorgeous black lace long sleeved top… sheer. I fell in love. So much for conservative. She told me to go out and get a black lace bra and that would be that. I have a black lace bra. No camisole, no nothing… I’ll be livin’ on the edge. Lotsa lotsa skin… but I’m OK with it. I felt sexy in it. I felt like my husband would want to be next to me… among other things.

The sales lady said, “Unbutton that top button.” I did and it fell open nicely. I said, “Y’all have to tell me these things. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

So she stepped up to the plate and said, “Do you have to wear the glasses?” I told her I did not. I’m not blind, I just like the crispness that glasses provide...and I have this thing about liking to be able to read street signs. She said, “Lose the glasses. Wear your hair down. You have pretty hair. Curl it slightly under. You have a cute figure and should show it off more. You will be to die for.”

Heh. I left in a very very good mood. I’m actually looking forward to our little cocktail party now. And that little boutique? I liked them before, but now… they have a lifetime customer. A little customer service goes a long damn way.