Location: Palm Beach County, Florida, United States

Recently have been told I look like Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. I hadn't heard that in years, but that is a good place to start as to what I look like, although she had a better bod. I have three boys and have been married for 13 years. Born of a Navy family, in Hawaii, one Mom, one Dad, one sister and one brother. The eldest of three children. BS in Applied Mathematics. Consider Pensacola my home town although I moved every 2-3 years of my life growing up. Currently work in the aerospace industry in an engineering position while being a Mom. Of Celtic heritage and very proud of it.

Friday, August 13, 2004

The Big Lie

I’m not even going to point to a link. Everyone knows what happened in NJ. I’m just going to take this into a different direction. If I knew in my lifetime that my spouse was going to step out on me, would I be more devastated with it being another woman or with it being a guy?

Beth over at SWWBO was saying she would be devastated if she found out her husband was gay and then he announced it to the world. Boy howdy, me too.

So I’ve been mulling this over all day. I decided that I would be far more damaged if it was a man. That would mean our entire lives had been one big lie. At least if it’s a woman, you think that he could have just been really stupid or it was a symptom of a bigger problem… probably a recent problem. But doing the deed with the same sex? That’s not a symptom of a bigger marital problem. He's been fibbing to you every time he had sex with you. He's been lying everytime he said he loved your body. There is just so much more mentally damaging stuff.

I would be completely sick. I would want the world to swallow me whole and disappear forever. I’ve had many many friends who have had their spouses step out and all of them but one stayed and worked it out. (The one who ended up divorced… he was an abusive jerk so I was glad when they ended up divorced.) It wasn’t a ‘Stand by your Man’ kind of thing. These women loved their husbands, a horrible mistake that will haunt everyone forever was made, there are children involved, and they both realized that there were bigger issues. When your spouse steps out on you with another man… there ain’t no workin’ thangs out. He’s gay. It’s done. Forever. And your kids are damaged too. I think that would magnify it all.

The woman I have known whose husbands have had an affair all say their self esteem took a huge hit. They felt ugly, undesired, at some point somewhat responsible, “what did I do wrong that would make him go elsewhere”, “why am I not woman enough to hold onto my man”. Nearly every one of them had feelings of woeful inadequacy at some time, even if it was fleeting.

Damn. I just can’t even imagine how I would feel if it were a man. Horror. Vast Humiliation. Compound all they felt and just throw some gasoline on that bad boy fire.

Believe it or not, this is something we discussed once at work. One of my bosses was engaged in college and found his fiancée in bed with another woman. His take was that he was pissed as hell, but didn’t take a self esteem dive at all because as he put it, “Hell! She liked women and I’m not one! Nothing personal there.” A woman in my group agreed with him, she felt that she would feel that same way.

Not me though. I think I’d be more of a mess. Blech.


Blogger Harvey said...

Semi-seriously, men are more used to having women lie to us about how sexually appealing we are, and frankly, we're used to having our penises rejected. The "leaving you for another woman" thing would be more extreme, but still in the same ballpark.

Then we'd just sneer about how the "stupid bitch didn't even know she was a lesbian" and move on. We'd think of it as the flaw residing with her.

From what you say, in the guy-on-guy scenario, you'd see the flaw in yourself, as in "how's that man's hairy butt better than my pretty pink sugar walls?".

7:32 AM  
Blogger John of Argghhh! said...

BTW, I'm not gay...

Sugar Walls all 'round.

As for the self-esteem hit - I understand from whence that comes, but, you gurls need to understand that sometimes, guys, well, we're just dicks, eh?

Ya coulda been Zeta-Jones with the skills of a $5K hooker and it wouldn't have mattered... 'cuz it wasn't about you, it was about the dick. In some cases, literally!

7:58 AM  
Blogger Boudicca said...

Yeah, John, you aren't gay. You're definitively the Poster boy for retrosexual/heterosexual men. Anyone just needs to jump on your site and take a good look at that arsenal!

Seriously, there is a whole lot more to this topic. It's the fact your whole sexual life would have been a lie. You think you know your partner so well, how they think, breath, everything, and then there is this entire hidden life he has been leading. I think there would be wonder as to how you missed it or how you could have been so stupid, or worse yet, in some freaked out state wondering if there was something you did that caused it, although we all know that is incredibly absurd. But really, it's the blanket of long term deception that would be devastating.

And I also realize from reading other sources that there was speculation about this man's orientation for a long time and thought his wife knew the whole time. I'm just taking it a step further to the case where it really does just come out after marriage and children have occured.

8:25 AM  

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