Young Foot Experts

Son #3 has the most rancid smelling feet. You cannot even imagine how pungent his piggies are. I can be in my van, toodling around town, and KNOW the EXACT instant he takes his shoes off. A foul odor permeates the air and I swear to you, if air had color, it would turn green. His feet smell so bad, I feel myself shudder when the smell reaches the front of the van. I have been at the dojo watching Sons 1 and 2 taking Karate, Son #3, who is too young to take, has tossed off his shoes and I have found parent’s heads jerking towards us and then saying, “Oh My God, are those his feet that smell like that?” Oh so embarrassing. And, washing his shoes doesn’t cut it. Once the odor is there, it sticks. I have washed his shoes, pulled them out of the wash, smelled them, and have been nearly knocked over by the remaining stench. I now have to spray his shoes down with Lysol Disinfectant and THEN wash them. Even that sometimes doesn’t work. We’ve had to toss shoes before, they’ve become so malodorous.

Today we’re driving around town and he does the forbidden and takes off his shoes. I can feel my throat constrict as this foul air is trying to make its way into my lungs. I yelled, “You took off your shoes!” to which I hear 9 year old, Son#1 say, “Mom, what he needs is Gold Bond Foot Powder. It gets rid of odors.” Just like that. Matter of fact. I said, “What?!” and in unison now, in stereo, Sons 1 and 2 say, “Gold Bond Foot Powder. It gets rid of odors.” Now for them to say it like that, in that tone, I realize, they have heard this on a commercial. When questioned if they are in fact quoting from a commercial, completely stoic they say, “Yup.”

It just reminds me of the time Son #1 was 4 and he comes running into me saying, “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, can we get some Skittles? I want to taste the rainbow.” It took me 5 minutes to convince him that if we got Skittles: 1) rainbows really didn’t taste like that since rainbows really didn’t ‘taste’ and 2) his head would not actually explode into some gargantuan color fruit, the color of whatever color he ate. He really really wanted his head to turn into a piece of fruit. He must’ve gotten that from his father’s side. Humpf.

So flash forward to tonight. I realize I have a source of blogging material here. I walk into where they are supposed to be sleeping, but are clowning around; they are all sharing one room as the house is under construction. I asked them the name of this foot powder again. As I’m walking out, Son #2 says, “Oh and Mom, there is also Gold Bond Foot Cream” to which Son #1 says, “Yeah, but that’s only used for itching.” I’m laughing my ass off. My resident foot experts. And they are 7 and 9. Like they’re a couple of old men who have to deal with itchy smelly feet and know it all. Cracks me up.