Location: Palm Beach County, Florida, United States

Recently have been told I look like Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. I hadn't heard that in years, but that is a good place to start as to what I look like, although she had a better bod. I have three boys and have been married for 13 years. Born of a Navy family, in Hawaii, one Mom, one Dad, one sister and one brother. The eldest of three children. BS in Applied Mathematics. Consider Pensacola my home town although I moved every 2-3 years of my life growing up. Currently work in the aerospace industry in an engineering position while being a Mom. Of Celtic heritage and very proud of it.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Boudicca's Dream Works

I am at the point, where I don’t necessarily think it’s normal, but have grown accustomed. I don’t just dream. As my sister puts it, it’s like “living another life in your sleep.” Vivid, detailed, I swear I can probably smell in my dreams and not know it in an awakened state. The better frame of mind I am in, the more I’m cool with me and where I am in my life, the more I dream. When I’m depressed, forget about it. I am hitting a good cycle in my life, emerging from a very trying past few months fraught with stress from myriad things going on in my life, and I knew I was rising from it when I started to dream again.

It is tiring to dream so much. I awaken as tired as I was when I went to sleep. Sometimes more so. Depending on the intensity and frequency of the dreams, I can actually dread going to sleep. My mother has a saying that I adhere to, “If you tell someone about your dream, they won’t come true.” Superstitious or not, I don’t want any of my sleeping dreams coming true, good or bad. They have in the past, and I just flat out don’t like it. It completely creeps me out.

Last night I dreamt my youngest nephew died by being hit by a train. He’s 10 and was playing in some park that the fencing had been removed from and since it was Christmas time, the chainlink fence had been replaced by 4 foot candy canes. The park ran along side a railroad track. He and his faceless friends were standing near the candy canes waiting for the train to come by; it jumped the track and took him out. Only him. In this dream I went through all the emotions of what it must be like to lose a child in the family, sitting and talking with my sister in law and her husband, planning the funeral, talking to my kids about it, then consciously being thankful his grandmothers were not alive to witness such a tragedy as losing a grandchild.

Then I woke up. All day I’ve been in this funk. Hugging on my kids. To lose a child. I cannot think of one thing worse than that. Nothing.

So I did what I always do, I went to the gym and ran on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes, blasting Blink 182 through my headset, running from the inner demons that make these dreams appear at night.

What you read in my blog is 1/10th of 1 percent that runs through my head every waking minute. My mind doesn’t slow down in sleep either. I’ve solved programming problems in my sleep, awakened the next day, fixed the program and the solution worked. I’ve fixed work problems when sleeping. I’ve taken four (4) years of French between High School and College. My last semester of French in college, I would dream in French. I was not consciously fluent by any stretch.

Tonight I dread going to sleep. I don’t know what lurks there. The dreams are not usually bad. Just active. Just draining. But looking at both sides, I would rather be extraordinarily happy with where I am in life and dream a life at night, than be sad and lonely amongst people with no dreams at all.


Blogger Graumagus said...

I've had dreams where I fluently spoke a language that I couldn't even identify, every one else in the dream did too, we all had meaningful conversation and when I woke up I couldn't understand anything I can said or heard. I wish I would have written it down, because if it turned out that was an actual language I may have been freaked beyond rational thought but I would have know what I was saying dammit....
I also had a dream once where I got shot through the head, everything went black and I could feel the blood pouring down my face. As I hit the ground my body felt numb like your leg does when it's asleep before the pins and needles start and my body went cold. When I awoke with a start, my head actually hurt where I had been shot in my dream. Talk about strange.

12:27 PM  
Blogger Boudicca said...

See, I get completely creeped out by stuff like that. When your body thoroughly reacts to what is going on in your dream, I hate that.

The thing that is so fascinating about dreams, are there are things I will dream about because of my experiences that others won't and vice versa. For instance, my engineering aide at my old job was a black woman who lived in the bad section of town here. Kind of like our ghetto. She came in one day having had a dream that her husband was shot and killed in the streets of her neighborhood by a gang and she was kneeling beside him yelling for help. I can honestly say, I would never dream a dream like that. I don't worry about my neighborhood or gangs. She and I had an entire discourse on her dreams vs. mine and it was really fascinating.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Graumagus said...

I've also had dreams where I've been terrified beyond rational thought by common household items and woke up in a cold sweat... then feeling REALLY silly and going back to sleep.
Those are actually kind of funny.
"It's not just a lamp, it's an extradimensional EVIL LAMP FROM BEYOND! Aiigghhhhh" hehehe

3:07 AM  

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