Location: Palm Beach County, Florida, United States

Recently have been told I look like Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. I hadn't heard that in years, but that is a good place to start as to what I look like, although she had a better bod. I have three boys and have been married for 13 years. Born of a Navy family, in Hawaii, one Mom, one Dad, one sister and one brother. The eldest of three children. BS in Applied Mathematics. Consider Pensacola my home town although I moved every 2-3 years of my life growing up. Currently work in the aerospace industry in an engineering position while being a Mom. Of Celtic heritage and very proud of it.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

The Last Anniversary Dinner

There's a woman I know at school, a Mom, who is dying of cancer. I cannot believe how modern medicine combined with her tenacity have gotten her through to where she is now. I haven't blogged on it at all as I have a difficult time with it... I am having a difficult time of it.

She has two boys, 9 and 12. She has a great husband. They have a very traditional home where he works a lot, and she does everything if it concerns the home and kids. From bills, to cooking and cleaning, to the bookkeeping for his business, to volunteering inordinate amounts of time with the school and scouting. If her kids were struggling, she studied their lessons with them. Just a great wife and Mom... the glue and foundation of the family. And now she is dying. And it is the most painful thing I have witnessed and I have witnessed a lot of death.

I tell people I think I am the Grim Reaper's Mistress with all the death that comes across my life. Typically it is not like this though... it's not a Mom and wife... leaving behind a family that is now going to have to find a new path, a harder path, and lonelier path.

I've not cried much about it. I can constantly feel myself choking up, but I am able to suppress it. We are all sad. We're all trying to be strong for the family.

I've been cooking meals for them throughout the year when they needed. Friday night is my night. I've been thinking about asking their youngest what he was hungry for, until I got tonight's note 10 minutes ago.

It is time and they are calling Hospice. The boys know it is bad, but they don't know about Hospice. I will have a hard time seeing the son in the morning knowing I know something that he does not. I feel like a liar or evil. It is hard to describe. It is a dirty feeling.

And their anniversary is Friday. And honestly, I have been completely sobbing since I got the note. What in the hell am I going to fix someone for their last anniversary together? The last anniversary where he holds her? The last anniversary where he tells her that he loves her and she says it in turn? I don't know. I know I'll pull something together, but the grief is so heavy in my heart, I hardly feel functional.

I have turned comments off as I am just processing on my blog.