Location: Palm Beach County, Florida, United States

Recently have been told I look like Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. I hadn't heard that in years, but that is a good place to start as to what I look like, although she had a better bod. I have three boys and have been married for 13 years. Born of a Navy family, in Hawaii, one Mom, one Dad, one sister and one brother. The eldest of three children. BS in Applied Mathematics. Consider Pensacola my home town although I moved every 2-3 years of my life growing up. Currently work in the aerospace industry in an engineering position while being a Mom. Of Celtic heritage and very proud of it.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

I Might Be Going to Hell

They had a Mass yesterday for all the families of our School. As I said before, the school is in ruins. I’ve not been depressed about it. It is what it is. I can’t change it. You pick up the pieces and move on. We got the good news yesterday for our contingency plans to keep educating our children and they are inconvenient, but doable.

This 5:30 Mass was to be said by the Bishop. All Bishops in our family are called, “The Bish”. We’ve never heard The Bish say Mass… not since he arrived. Our Diocese is on their 4th Bish in probably as many years. The first left because it was discovered he was a pedophile in his past. So the Pope hand picked the next Bish and he was supposed to be this wonderful man from TN, that the Catholics there were so sad to see go. (Didn’t know they had any Catholics in TN.) He stayed about a year and then he left because they found out… HE was a pedophile in his past. So they brought in yet a 3rd Bish, this guy seriously handpicked for us as our the Diocese was a mess now and he stayed about 6 months before…. They moved him off to Boston to fix THEIR mess. Let me tell you, that man is a great man. He’s a Monk. Very intense and very spiritual. It was sad to see him go. So now we have this new guy. And he came to bring comfort to all of us.

As I said, I’m not sad about this. I was sad yesterday because it was 9/11. Losing the school is no biggy. It’s a material thing and I’m not into material things. But I thought that our going to this Mass would be a good thing. It was a ‘community’ healing and I thought we should be part, even though I’m not Catholic and I NEVER go to Mass with my husband and boys.

I pull out my ‘Sunday Best’. I may not go to church but I know how to dress for church. Light blue dress, hose, black heels, I put my jeweled flag pin over my heart and we leave. Catholics do not know how to dress for church. (Seriously, no offense to my Catholic readers. I’m just stating from my limited personal experience.) I don’t care what any of you say, it is a place of worship and you should respect it. Everyone was in shorts and flip flops. I was appalled. And yes I am aware of this attitude that it should be a place for everyone and not everyone can afford nice clothes and to that attitude, I call BS on you because everyone can afford one nice set of clothing, at least everyone who lives where we live. So that was my first peeve. I stood out like a sore thumb. And if I go to Mass with them ever again, I will still break out my Sunday Best.

OK, so why am I going to hell? Because I spent too much time trying not to laugh at people and laughing at people is just wrong and something I normally NEVER do. They had this woman doing the readings. I don’t know what the deal was, but she obviously has serious reading and pronunciation issues. No, I’m not kidding. I was reading along with her and had to stop and look up to see if this was a joke. I was listening to the equivalent of a female Mr. Bean. When she stood up to do the last reading I looked at my husband and said, “Is this for real?!” I can’t even begin to tell you the words and how they came out. And I could not quit laughing inside.

Then I totally forgot that their new priest was right off the boat from Italy. I hadn’t met him yet. Here I am in the back of the Church, bored out of my mind, flipping through this little paperback book they have with prayers and stuff in it, when I hear Father Guido Sarducci. Or that’s who it sounded like! Once again, I sit bolt straight up and crane my neck to see who in the heck is speaking. Every time he spoke, I choked back a laugh!

Meanwhile Son#3 is bored and miserable and no matter how many evil eyes I gave him or how many times my husband pulled him in his lap, he somehow made it very known he did not want to be there. At one point I looked down and he was lying completely prone, on his back, on the kneeler, stretched out staring up at the ceiling making clicking noises with his throat. I started to come unglued. We had to separate the boys. And just as I thought it was going well, I saw Son#3 lean way over the pew and attempt to grab a ruffle on the mini-skirt of the scantily clad sweet young thing standing in front of us. My husband grabbed him just before he got a handful of skirt. I gasped.

Son#2 while sitting next to me kept rubbing my hose. Son#3 finally ended up next to me. We’re kneeling as they had just done the Communion thing when I feel a small hand rubbing my back. Then rubbing my waist (what there is of one). Then suddenly this small hand is rubbing my butt and my leg! I looked down at him and gave him this evil eye and he moved his hand, grinned and gave me this imp look.

Overall, I think Mass went well. We didn’t get asked to leave. That’s always a bonus.


Blogger Beth said...

You know, maybe the wearing shorts thing is a Florida after another hurricane thing? Around here, people do dress up a bit for Mass - not like when I was a kid, but flip flops and shorts - never!
Sounds like your diocese has really had the worst possible padres and bishops around. There is not much that has pissed me off more than priests who do bad things to children.
Personally - and I might go to hell for this - it is stupid that they don't let priests get married.

4:31 PM  
Blogger Tammi said...

I hate the way most people dress for church down here. You will never find me in church in shorts and flip flops. I always dress - for the same reason you mentioned. It's a show of respect. You should have seen my face the first time I was in church and saw the way people were dressed. I'm sure I offended someone!!

Oh, and note to self - do not attend church with Bou. Will surely get in trouble** :-)

6:01 PM  
Blogger Graumagus said...

I always wear bad clothes to church. Since my skin starts to blister and smoke, and form allergic pustules I don't want to mess up my good stuff :)
(Whacks self on nose with a rolled up newspaper "BAD GRAU! BAD!")

9:38 PM  
Blogger That 1 Guy said...

If/when I go to church, I always dress decently. Maybe not a tie, not always, but I wear dress clothes.

As for the not laughing, good job! That's something I fail at miserably. Most is probably my fault, but still, I'm a little too quick to laugh.

Also, what Beth said about marriage. Yeah.

1:10 AM  
Blogger Harvey said...

The few times Beloved Wife managed to drag me to church, I dressed nice.

I also didn't laugh or get kicked out.

A LOT of bored sighs, though.

I mean, I TRIED to get something out of the sermons, but the dry turds they had behind the pulpit couldn't tell a story to save their lives.

Drone... drone... drone...

9:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ever get the giggles in church? I did a couple of times. Bad BeeBee, Bad. It was always for something like you wrote about. Big Guy and I sit there and stifle ourselves. Can't even look at each other. We are bad and going to Hell for sure.


2:50 PM  
Blogger pamibe said...

People down here do dress like bums for church; last time I went was about 3 months ago... sure enough, casual was the dress code but of course I was in a nice dress, heels, etc...

Feels too much like disrespect to me; I'd never be able to attend church in shorts and flip flops.

3:32 PM  
Blogger Quality Weenie said...

We've turned into Holiday Catholics

but when we did go to church regularly we made a contest on who could shake the most hands during the peace be with you thing.

We also dressed up business casual.

3:40 PM  
Blogger Boudicca said...

I think priests should be able to marry. I think married priests would understand a lot more during marital counseling if they've been there/done that and can see how things REALLY work in marriage and not hypothetically.

Pedophiles should die. Period.

They truly dress very casually all the time down here in the Catholic Church. Not everyone, mind you, but a good portion. "Oh Wait! It's Saturday! Let's do Mass tonight so we don't have to do it tomorrow morning. We'll just swing on by after we go to the beach." WRONG!

And Machelle... I stay far far away from people like you! LOL! I hate the peace. I spend all my time right before hoping I can find some way to get out of it. I think next time I'll try hacking and sneezing in my hand repeatedly so people won't get too close. I've actually sat in the very last pew of a church, alone, so as not to have to do the peace. It's hypocritical of me to 'wish peace' to someone I don't know. Maybe they don't deserve the peace! Maybe they deserve to be tormented in their own private hell forever!!!! :)

Heh. Long rant in my comment section. Sorry. :)

4:22 PM  
Blogger Tammi said...

Bou and Machelle, we have a similar thing in the Methodist Church and I hate it. Even at my Mom's church where I know everyone. Damn it (oh that's appropriate Tammi, swear in a "church" post) that's what social hour is for. Church is for church.

I'm getting old. I know it.

4:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bou, The part about you, your kids and my old fave at sNL Father Guido was very funny. He does the occassional guest appearanes at malls in NYS.

Anyway, when I was catholic people would normally hit church before or after the beach in the summer and pre/post doing sports in the winter.

Here's how I got out of shaking hands, especially with someone sick next to me, I always just stayed kneeling and bowed my head as in prayer. No one ever dared interupt me.

As for Ivan, I'll be bowing my head in prayer hoping all Floridians are spared from this latest storm.

Michele in nyc

7:40 PM  

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