20 Billion Questions and Not Many Answers, Part II

Conversations about birth and sex always happen while I’m driving, typically on I-95, going 70MPH. But for the Grace of God we have yet to crash, although the instinct of pulling the wheel while I clutch my chest is great. So far I haven’t crashed us in a ditch yet.

As I’ve said in the past, answering questions from my boys is like dodging rapid gunfire. It’s hit or miss, but mostly I take the hits.

I hear from the backseat, Son#3 says, “So they just cut her open to get a baby out?”
Son#2, “No, not always. Just sometimes,”
Son#3, “Well how do they do it the other times?”
My ears have perked up because 1) I need to be prepared to answer the barrage of questions whenever this topic comes up and 2) I’m wondering what in the hell Son#2 is going to say. But Son#2, knowing the answer, deftly and swiftly hits the question to my court..

As a parent, you realize the answers to any questions need to be brief and to the point. No extra information. Just the Facts M’am. Unfortunately, sometimes the questions get worse and worse and next thing you know, you’re stuck in a conversation you can’t get yourself out of and wondering how in the hell you got there.

The questions are coming in quick succession now and they are getting more involved. Does it hurt? Did they put you to sleep? How did it go when I was born? And on and on. I did the best I could. I swear I did. Sticking to the facts, but I knew I may have said something that was misunderstood when at the close of the conversation, I heard Son#3 say, “OK, so my body came out, but my head stayed in.” No clue, where that came from as he was not breech and I did not go into that much detail about anything. I only said he had a big head. I swear. Something must’ve happened during data processing.

Now I’m getting question after question about how they feed, sleep, and breathe in utero. Son#3, “So can a baby feel all your bones when they’re in there?” Well, geez, I had never thought of that, so I told him no, although I swear they almost broke a rib from the inside out once.
Son#3 again, “So when they want to go to sleep, do they make a big bed of bones and go to sleep?” Wha? We appear to have some major anatomy issues… like our bones unhinge at the whim of a sleepy fetus.

On the way home, the questions resumed. I do not jest when I say, I can easily get hammered with 100 questions in just a matter of minutes. Now however, the questions start involving multiple births and Son#3 is really really mad that I made him born last, he wanted to be first or second, and why couldn’t they all just be born at the same time. I informed then that it does happen, but typically people and big animals don’t have litters, dogs and cats do. And then some how… we ended up at Siamese twins and how you separate them and what happens if they are joined at the head and what happens if you want to separate them and they share a leg… and what happens….

And I pulled up in the driveway, and my brain was so damn tired, and all I want to do now is crawl in bed and sleep.