Name:
Location: Palm Beach County, Florida, United States

Recently have been told I look like Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. I hadn't heard that in years, but that is a good place to start as to what I look like, although she had a better bod. I have three boys and have been married for 13 years. Born of a Navy family, in Hawaii, one Mom, one Dad, one sister and one brother. The eldest of three children. BS in Applied Mathematics. Consider Pensacola my home town although I moved every 2-3 years of my life growing up. Currently work in the aerospace industry in an engineering position while being a Mom. Of Celtic heritage and very proud of it.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

THE Talk... Yes... It Happened

It was inevitable. He is 9. Yes… it happened. He and I… Had.The.Talk. I know, ladies and gentlemen, we've suspected it would happen soon and I told you I would blog on it... and it did happen. Good news is his siblings were not in the car. The other good news is I wasn’t barreling down I-95 at 75MPH only to nearly have a heart attack, crashing us into a canal, killing us both from impact or drowning. Yeah, I consider that a bonus.

We were in the parking lot of KFC, having just pulled in when he tells me of this word he heard. It was F*ck and he’s heard it before, but I believe he heard it from a kid or something and now he was questioning. That’s cool, I want him to question me. I can tell him what is appropriate vs. not appropriate. So it went something like this:

Me: Do you know what it means?
Son: Nope. But I want to.
Me: It’s a nasty trashy word for having sex. (pause as he has this totally blank look on his face) Do you know what sex is?
Son: Yeah, I know what that is.
Me: (Trying to figure out if he read it, figured it out, or if someone told him.) Ok. But I need to know what you think it is.
Son: It’s when a man goes into a restaurant and takes off his shirt.
Me: Wha????
Son: Yeah, you know takes off all his clothes.
Me: Son, that is called getting naked in a restaurant, which is illegal btw, that is not sex.

Now… I COULD NOT allow my 9 ½ year old to walk around thinking that getting naked in a restaurant was having sex. Of course I wanted to laugh. How in the hell did he assimilate that?! So… I had to tell him. I just said no, that’s not what it was and I was very scientific as I tend to be, explaining how men are different, women are different, mating, sperm, eggs, Voila… baby.

I don’t know what he was thinking. He wasn’t embarrassed, but his face was kind of blank, like it took, but didn’t make sense. Finally he said, “Did Dad do this?” to which I replied, “Yes he did.”

That was his big question: Did Dad do this? Which reminded me of when my Mom told me and I looked at her and said, “You did this THREE times? You must really love us” and Mom feeling worthy of more hero worship said, “Oh, yes I did!” Of course we all laugh about the story now, of how she sacrificed herself three whole times just to have us. What a riot.

It is all the perspective of the gender you are, so that was his thing… had his Dad done it. Damn, if the boy only knew.

Of course I explained about being older, wanting children, and NOT talking about this to his friends and siblings, all topics I will keep open and continue to add to… but I needed to add levity so I said, “Do you remember the time we went to visit Aunt and I took you to that farm and you showed me that donkey giving that other donkey a piggy back ride?”
He said, “Yeeeeaaahhh.”
I replied, “They weren’t giving piggy back rides. That’s how animals have sex.”
He laughed hysterically and then I said, “And do you remember when we were at dinner and you said to Big Daddy (their name for TGOO) that you saw a donkey giving a piggy back ride to another donkey and he raised his eyebrow, looked at me and said, “oooooohhh, reeeallly?””.

Then I said, “And do you remember last spring when we went to Lion Country Safari and you and your brothers kept talking about how all the animals were playing giving piggy back rides to one another and Mimi and Big Daddy and I just sat there? Well, they weren’t playing piggy back ride… they were mating.”

So now he is laughing so hard, there are tears nearly streaming down his face as he realizes all that has been happening and what he thought. I’m laughing too.

But honestly, I think I am laughing the most at the thought of one day, his sitting around with a bunch of friends saying, “Oh yeah, and how did YOU find out” and his replying, “Well… I was in our mini van with my Mom in the parking lot at Kentucky Fried Chicken, wondering what the word F*ck meant…”

17 Comments:

Blogger Tammi said...

That.Is.Priceless.

LOL

I had tears in my eyes at one point, laughing along.

Ya did good Mom. And you're right - it makes a hell of a story.

1 down, 2 to go. ;)

9:22 PM  
Blogger Stu said...

Hey, I remember seeing neighborhood dogs have sex when I was about 8 or 9. We used to throw water on them to see if we could get them to not "stick" together. It was a blast! I actually didn't know they were having sex, I just thought they were glued together somehow. The piggyback thought never crossed my mind.

So was the chicken any good!

9:30 PM  
Blogger Stu said...

Hey, I remember seeing neighborhood dogs have sex when I was about 8 or 9. We used to throw water on them to see if we could get them to not "stick" together. It was a blast! I actually didn't know they were having sex, I just thought they were glued together somehow. The piggyback thought never crossed my mind.

So was the chicken any good!

9:31 PM  
Blogger Boudicca said...

I know Tammi, that is what I thought... 2 down, 1 to go.

Stu, oh the kicker, we're in KFC and it's like the whole conversation NEVER happened. I'm getting the typical questions "Mom, if you were to fall of a building, would you rather fall on the sidewalk or fall in a garbage truck full of garbage?" It's like the whole thing was a complete non event. And, yeah, he liked his chicken. :)

9:34 PM  
Blogger That 1 Guy said...

Well now, doesn't that suck? Here I thought I was having sex all these years! Going to have to try something different!!! :)

Ah, this had me cracking up! And you did a smooth job with "the talk." Now, if he's anything like an older brother should be, you'll not only have "the talk" two more times, but you'll be correcting the line of bull that he spouts to his brothers!

1:42 AM  
Blogger Sally said...

"Son, that is called getting naked in a restaurant, which is illegal, by the way" ROFLMAO! Sound advice, Bou. You crack me up :-)

3:31 AM  
Blogger VW said...

Bou, I'm calling you when my kids start asking about s.x. I love how you explained it and added some levity. I was ROTFL... Nice way to start the morning.

7:02 AM  
Blogger Contagion said...

I remember my dad trying to give me the sex talk... about 4 years too late. That was really amusing.

Dad, "son, I want to talk to you about sex."
Me, "Sure Dad, what do you want to know?"

Dad getting embarassed and mad leaving the room.

That was my sex talk.

7:22 AM  
Blogger Quality Weenie said...

That was funny, I loved it.

It's nice that you can talk with your kids freely about it and not be embarassed.

I've never had that talk with my parents, never, ever.

Girl Scouts held a "girl talk" night and I was taken to that and it was never spoken about again.

7:31 AM  
Blogger Harvey said...

"Son, that is called getting naked in a restaurant, which is illegal, by the way"

Maybe in Florida... ;-)

9:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmm, I'm a tad concerned about the assimilation here. Does he think that humans ride each others backs when they have sex? Not that that's a bad thing, just not the typical way.

12:24 PM  
Blogger Boudicca said...

Holy Crap! I never thought of that! OH MY.

2:12 PM  
Blogger Anathematized1 said...

Darn, Anonymous beat me to it. I was going to mention you might want to get your son a copy of the Kama Sutra so he doesn't think that is the ONLY way people have sex - donkey style. But...do you REALLY need to go into the various positions with a 9 year old; or would you rather assume he gets the general point and logistics can be worked out at a later time? LOL

I am a non-breeder. Is it that obvious?

3:05 PM  
Blogger Boudicca said...

OK, I've thought about this and I figure logistics will work their way out. I'm not telling him. Not that I ever contemplated telling him, I was just kind of thinking about the whole issue in his head and wondering what in the heck he thinks. Blech. What is he picturing of his father and I?!!! AAAACCKKK!! It's bad enough just thinking about your parents doing it, but thinking of your folks doing like donkeys... Yikes!

I'm going to guess he's going to eventually see pictures that will sort it all out... I did my job!

8:32 PM  
Blogger Anita said...

Terrific story!!!

My son is 9 1/2 also. We had the "talk" two years ago.

Son: How does a baby get in the mommy's tummy?
Me: An egg grows in the mom's tummy and turns into a baby.
Son: How does it know when to grow into a baby?
Me: Well, a sperm from the dad meets up with the egg and when they join, the egg grows.
Son: Ok, but how does the sperm get to the egg?
Me: It swims.
Son: Yeah, but . . .

Then, I explain the actual physical process. I try to get in the part where it is done by two people in love, but my son isn't tuned in to that part AT ALL.

Son: Ewwwww! That's so gross. Let's not talk about that ever again.

And we haven't.

5:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

trackback by sarahk

12:31 AM  
Blogger Chad | passtheammo.com said...

"he raised his eyebrow, looked at me and said, “oooooohhh, reeeallly?””."


haha! That one got the loudest laugh outta me.

10:10 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home