Christmas is Coming and I'm Running Away

Every year I put out a funny Christmas letter with a picture of my kids. It’s not one of those set Christmas pictures with my kids dressed sweetly sitting on the beach. Usually I grab them up, throw them in a collared shirt and long pants, wipe the food off their faces and say, “Stand there, dammit. And smile. It’s Christmas.” Then I take 24 pictures assuming one of them will have all three smiling. The other 23 usually have at least one kid whining, one giving another rabbit ears, someone is blinking, or a kid decides to make a face in protest… either thinking it is funny or wondering how far they can push me before I come totally unglued.

A sample of last year’s letter (yes, I replaced my name):

To recap this year, we had a frog commandeer the kid’s commode, an event that provided me with great fodder for my e-mail stories some of you receive, we discovered a hard boiled egg will fit down a bathroom sink drain with enough force applied, and growing a butterfly garden in the Boudicca Family yard only serves the purpose of providing caterpillar breakfast for the early bird. A rat took up residence in my van eating through wiring harnesses and rendering it undriveable. (It took 4 days to kill the rat, that ate the cheese, that took over the van that Boudicca drove. I crack myself up!) We’re currently adding an addition to our home which is throwing me over the edge. I seriously contemplated decorating the Port-O-Let in our front yard with Christmas lights and having this year’s Christmas picture with the kids gathered around, … but decided that it was a bit edgy even for me.

By this time of year I am usually finished with my Christmas shopping. This year I have bought two books. I’m tired, folks. I am tired. And it’s not a ‘tired I need more sleep’ tired, but an 'overwhelmed my bones hurt' tired that all Floridians are feeling. The thought of this holiday season is daunting to me. I am not in a good place.

I’ve been thinking about that damn Christmas letter and the thought of having to send out all those frickin’ cards. Bah! And I KNOW that someone out there has theirs finished and will mail it the day before Thanksgiving so I will receive it the day after. Let me tell you now, if you are one of those people… I hate you. One year I was so late I mailed out New Year’s letters.

I’m writing this year’s letter in my head. I’m thinking of something like this:

Got hit by two hurricanes. 1 Roof leak, lost some trees, but we’re fine. Parents got hit by a hurricane, need a new roof and lost a ton of trees. They are fine. Kids are one year older than last year. Still married. Husband hasn’t left me for someone younger or thinner yet. Life is good. Merry Christmas and Happy Efing New Year.

Hunh. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll wait until I find my happy place and am not feeling quite so edgy.