Sir, He Was Big And Brown... And His Face was as Big as a Dinner Plate...

Yeah. Wondering where I'm coming from with that title? Well, that's what I would've had to put on the Police Report, as if there would be such a thing, if... well... see... I was almost s-exually assaulted by a dog last night. That's right. A 140 pound horse dog. And I don't mean 140 pounds of fluffy dog... I mean 140 pounds of muscular big dog with a face the size of a damn dinner plate.

I'm thanking my lucky stars for my speed, agility and commanding Alpha Female voice. 'Twas what ultimately saved me... oh, and the fact he really is a good dog, he is trained well and listens.

So there I was at a friend's house, playing with her kids. Now from the minute I walked into the house, Horse Dog was sniffing at me. I was getting goosed all over the place. Geez. I was happy I wasn't wearing a skirt. But he's a dog, this is what dog's do and I just would tell him 'No' and push his face away.

I needed to distract the eldest, who is 2, and I yell over to him, "Come on over here and play with me! We'll wrestle!" Kids love that stuff. I lay down on the floor and unbeknownst to me, Horse Dog is watching this whole thing. Now he sees me laying on my back, flailing my arms and acting like an idiot... the boy is laughing by the way... and Horse Dog leaps up and decides I am vulnerable. Out of the corner of my eye I see Horse Dog making his way at me and from looking at his body, I could tell, he had just one thing on his mind... and wrestling was NOT one of them. He wanted to have his way with me. Period.

I leaped up off the floor onto the couch where... he followed me! I now had paws on my shoulders, I'm pushing on his chest and... well, at some point I yelled that he needed to go lay down... and he did. Dejectedly, he got off me and slowly walked to where his favorite blanket is and he sucked and pawed at the blanket is some sort of frustration for about an hour.

He looked like a dejected teenager. "I can't believe she said NO!"

And I can't help but think, what in the heck would have happened if I had not been so quick to get off that floor? There is no way in hell I could have pushed that big dog off me if he had caught me prone. Yeah, I strength train, but I'm stuck in this stupid plateau of not being able to bench press more than 85 lbs tops. And...I just never pictured myself having to use my self defense techniques on a dog.

Did I say this dog is sweet? I LOVE this dog. Really. You can't ask for a better dog and I'm just damn happy he's so well trained.

Wow. So I'll go into work tomorrow and they'll say, "What did you do this weekend" and I'll say, "Oh the usual... decorated for Christmas, finished my Christmas shopping... and I was almost s-exually assaulted by a 140 lb horse dog... you know, the usual!"