Preparing for Employment

Well… I found my birth certificate for my proof of citizenship. I filled out my computer and background check information and turned it all in immediately. Today I received this packet of crap I never understand. My husband and his accountant take care of all this stuff called “W-4” and they have it worked on ‘what to claim'. I have no clue. Blech. Just let me work. Heh.

So I call to let HR know I’ve got all the data and I’m hand delivering it and I said something about my starting Monday and she says… “If you pass your background check”. Wha???

If?

I said, “Well, I feel certain I’m going to pass…” and she said, “Oh yeah, we look for felonies, credit, stuff like that.”

Hmm. Felonies. Does THINKING about strangling your husband count, ‘cause that’s happened a couple times in the last four years… (mutual, I assure you) and then there was the time I had this run in with this really nasty old lady from one of those small North Eastern states last Christmas and I really really wanted to run her down with my mini-van just to see her face… it was a fleeting thought… ok, maybe not fleeting, maybe I did dwell on it longer than I should have, but it was a thought. Those don’t count right? And then there’s the whole lusting after some of those beautiful men I saw on the soccer fields… Wait. I’m confusing my laws vs. my 10 commandments. By law I’m allowed to lust, it’s the whole Church thing that frowns upon lusting after someone else when you’re married…

The HR lady then said, “Oh, I didn’t mean 'if', I meant ‘when’… you are at the mercy of the corporation. We can’t bring you in until THEY finish your background check.”

Phew, I was kind of worried there for a minute on what she was thinking when she said ‘if’.