One size does not fit all... evidently

First, I HATE shopping. Hate it. A lot. So I’m preparing for this trip to DC and I realize I have to buy hose. I haven’t bought nice panty hose in 4 years, probably. I usually just buy the stuff that used to come in an egg, but now comes in a container shaped like a mini milk carton (what is it with this company and hose containers from the dairy section?), from my supermarket. I figured with some of my evening events, it would be nice to buy some nice hose to wear with my evening gowns. Mistake. If you are a man reading this, take this as a warning: Do not accompany your wife/girlfriend/Mom/sister/significant other, to a department store to buy hose. They will be there for an eternity.

I walk in with few requirements: light color, control top, short people size. That’s it. Seemed simple enough. I figured I’d walk in, walk out, done deal. No. I walk in and there are aisles of hose as far as the eye can see. Forget worrying about size or color, it’s what they are functionally made for that has changed.

I walk past ‘thigh highs’ and pass something else that is thigh high, but also has their own bikini underwear that they clip onto. Hmm. Nope. Not the functionality I need. That’s date night hose and although it is nice to know they exist, I didn’t spend any time there.

Next I ended up in this aisle that said, “Medium” and “Ultimate”. What in the hell does that mean? It seems that you can now get hose that helps different parts of your body. They can slenderize your legs, firm up your butt, provide tummy control, and basically contour your body to ‘hide’ any feelings of inadequacy you may have towards any part of your body. And you can do this at different levels! A woman can do it just a litte, or medium so, or ultimately which must really mean, "squish in and firm up every damn part of my body... A LOT!".So men, you see some hot lookin’ mama, wearing hose, you never know what she’s really hiding.

I found ‘toeless’ hose. Yes, they make hose without toes so women can wear open toed shoes and still wear hose. (I didn't know hose with open toed shoes was a no-no until two years ago when my sister was aghast I didn't know better. Have I ever told you I am somewhat of a fashion disaster? My Mom and sister frequently rescue me from horrible fashion blunders.)

I’m getting frustrated now. I mean, please, my requirements are so few, yet I cannot find it anywhere. Finally, I stumble upon them, wondering what in the hell has happened in the last four years that the panty hose business has given we women so many options.

As I walk to the check out, I walk past a pair that has written something like, “Now! With Anti-Cellulite Material”. I thought, “You have got to be frickin’ kidding me? What do they think? ‘ Wear my hose and your cellulite disappears?’ “ I had to look. I pick it up and evidently these hose are made of some material, treated with some chemical that helps you hide cellulite more than other hose. Wow. Maybe they’re made out of moldable plastic. At least they weren’t claiming to rid you of it. I put them down.

All in all, it made me want to go to the gym, and work off all the banana pudding, blueberry cobbler and angel food cake I’ve eaten this week. Bah. How disturbing.